Let’s unpack … ahh!-larm SUPER-LOUD Personal Alarm

The ahh!-larm is marketed as a “super-loud personal alarm” featuring a 115 decibel siren with LED safety light. It is contained within a glittery pink heart attached to a key-ring. Let’s take a look at the product description on the back to find out more.

A line-by-line content analysis:

“We believe in being a girl.”

It is unclear who “We” is. We will need more reflexivity from the writer to provide context for this manifest. Does this refer to the ahh!-larm itself, as some sort of collective paramilitary force? Is there a union attached to the manufacturers of the ahh!-larm —or (!)— is this voice that of “Super Sparkly Safety Stuff, LLC,” the manufacturers themselves.

What does it mean to “be a girl?” Simone de Beauvoir once said, “one is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.” Is this a born girl or a societally constructed one?

“We believe in sparkles,”

What does it mean to “believe in Sparkles?” They exist. You can buy 10 pounds of glitter for $1,000 US. That’s the market rate. Given this market value, sparkles should believe in themselves without further outside validation.

“crying at the movies,”

Sure, although the feminisation of crying at the movies is problematic at best. One need not be given permission to cry at the movies.

“spending most of a paycheck on shoes you’ll never wear almost never,”

A lot to unpack here. A woman’s paycheck is 81.2 percent of that of a man’s in the US. It’s 84.5 of that of a man’s in Germany and 83.5 of that of a man’s in the UK. Instead of “believing” in spending a disproportionate amount of one’s paycheck on shoes, perhaps a woman contemplating the use of the ahh!-larm might consider saving one third of her paycheck and investing.

“eating a good majority of that pint of ice cream (ok, the whole thing).”

Eating a “good majority of that pint of ice cream,” as an adult with bodily autonomy is admirable. To each her own. A woman should eat as she pleases (though if we are still referring to a “girl,” then the child should be in the care of a responsible adult who can ensure they consume a balanced and nutritious diet). Similarly, for the adult woman, a balanced diet with fruits, vegetables, protein and fibre is preferred to one heavy on processed sugar, according to some medical professionals.

“All of this while being confident, prepared, and aware.”

Yes, again, each of these qualities are indeed a societal construct. How do women develop confidence when they are encouraged to binge eat ice cream while still looking as presentable as their “personal alarm?” Is a woman prepared to participate in society when girls are discouraged from entering many high-paying fields. Indeed, is she prepared for the internet abuse associated with women who stand in their power in the public discourse? Developing “awareness” and a core set of values will be of the utmost importance.

“That is why we created the ahh!-larm. Because looks and having a good head on your shoulders, they both matter.”

Arguably, due to the normative constructs of feminine beauty, or “looks,” having a good head on one’s shoulders is inextricably tied to “looks.” Show me a living headless model. Exactly.

Instead of the ahh!-larm, I recommend going out and buying used copies of de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex, or perhaps Lorde’s Age, Race, Class, and Sex: Women Redefining Difference. Read them, then pass along said copies to the next person who catcalls or otherwise threatens you in the street, while shouting “Go read a book!” A decidedly less pink, less quiet, less sparkly, but arguably more entertaining alternative to the ahh!-larm personal security system.

Further laughter: Blingsting

Further information: Stop Street Harassment