Let's unpack … this Stabmixer
“An anti-Julia Child replaces the domesticated `meaning’ of tools with a lexicon of rage and frustration.”
FIGURE 1.1: WMF 3 Stabmixer, 2013
Let’s unpack this German immersion blender box. Now referred to as “stabmixer,” the German word for “immersion blender.” A name that is literal, frightening, accurate, and kinky. Much how the German language has been described.
A medium-build, standard issue man stands ready to stab, no– in full immersion of his stabmixer into a glass cup of milk, as indicated by the “milch” carton sitting alongside it. He wears taupe khakis held up by a chocolate-colored leather belt, a look that suggests, “chocolate milkshake anyone?”
FIGURE 1.2: Stabmixermann Tinder deck, 2018
On his face, a wears a self-satisfied but forced grin, framed by sprinkles of patchy facial hair. A look that suggests, “chocolate milkshake with sprinkles, anyone?”
Why is he self-satisfied? Is he pleased with himself for doing women’s work? “I can stir a drink with a machine typically marketed towards women-- but now I can use it because it is black and chrome. It is a tool. Not a kitchen appliance. Now, let me into your pants.”
If he is self-satisfied, the frau by his side is also self-satisfied, but in a very different way. He is self-satisfied (adj.). She self-satisfies (verb), because she is coupled with a man who is self-satisfied (adj.); sexually and emotionally unfulfilled by her basic beau.
She leans uneasily into the counter and into this relationship, it’s cuffing season and they are in their thirties, after all. She’s in it for the warmth and for the man to stab her mixer, what more can a woman hope for these days?
He’s in it for the signal, he is coupled, he will not spend the winter alone. They are serious because they do domestic things together. Plus! If this doesn’t work out, this shot is going on the Tinder deck, “Look, ladies-- I’m handy with tools and I can make you a liquid-based diet.”
He’s going to need that Tinder pic because she’s realizing that a man who requires electricity to mix milkshakes is no man at all– if he were a real German man, he would mix liquids the same way he would open a bottle of beer, with a set of keys or a lighter. Stabmixer, available where (un)easy relationships are sold.
Suggested edits:
A more equitable, realistic, and thus effective portrayal would be …
Mann: Shirt untucked (who has their shirt tucked in at home??), operating the stabmixer, eyes on stabmixer.
Frau: Slicing strawberries, eyes on strawberries.
Both: With a semi-grin on their faces because someone cracked a joke, “This is fun! And we’re doing it together.” Crucially, both must have their eyes on their respective implements lest they lose fingers. The audience is invited to gaze at the scene and wonder, “could that be me in that healthy and liquid-based relationship? I may need to purchase a stabmixer to find out.”